Sep 4, 2016

Journal #21

 ...I became more aware recently of the tightness I feel in my throat and the heaviness in my chest. I get this feeling every time I want to express myself. I have always felt this way, so it's nothing new.. But my awareness lately has been focus on this feeling, that I didn't quite understand. The more I felt it, the more it harbored in my body, breaking down into small particles of the purest form of anxiety. Absorbed, my palms start to tremble and sweat. I nervously laugh it off... I'm high on fear.

Fear... That's what it is... What am I fearing? Why am I afraid to express myself?
That I would be judged..? No.. Worse..! That I will be punished for expressing myself and that it is not safe for me to be who I am.. That I would be in trouble for speaking my mind and sharing my thoughts.. That if I express myself fully and genuinely, I would be disapproved of, shunned, mistreated, hurt, and rejected.. That expressing my anger, love, sadness, happiness, joy, compassion, frustration, or excitement, is not allowed, inappropriate, unacceptable, or at times illegal... Suddenly my life makes sense.. For my soul to heal this fear of expression, it chose my parents to teach me through their experiences, and to provide me with the life that allowed me to learn who I am by existing in contrast. It chose inspiring soul mates that are so strong, so brave, so fierce, and mostly authentic.. It chose to make me experience and survive the most difficult of situations, urging me always to step up and be present for myself- living by my values, going after my dreams, and honoring my sacred boundaries.. It chose to be an artist and a creative.. It chose to major in visual communications, giving me all the tools, mentors, and teachers to help me heal from this crippling fear. I am blessed and grateful. I am healing and integrating. I am so lucky