Nov 14, 2009

بيروت | Beirut

Imagining Beirut


In The Dark

I was there. In the dark, surrounded by darkness. I was searching for myself. I found her in the dark. I saw nothing but myself in the dark. I asked her what she was doing there and she asked me to go away. I didn’t want to leave her alone. She was in pain; I didn’t want to leave her by herself. She was peeling her skin and crying in the dark. She wanted to find her heart. She wanted to hold her warm heart in her cold hands. She wanted to feel it beat in the palm of her hand. I helped her find her heart. But, she was heartless. She lost her heart in the dark long ago. I covered her with her skin and ripped out my heart and put it in her hands. She wasn’t alone. She had my heart. Now, I am heartless. My heart is with myself, in her cold palms, under her peeled skin. Now she will search no more. Now, she could rest in peace, in the dark.


I’m done sleeping. I’ve been sleeping my whole life. Between all those sweet dreams and frightening nightmares, I’ve missed my life. I open my eyes to see your face, frightened and vain at once. There you stand looking straight through me, like I don’t exist. I scream, I shout, and I slip into an ecstatic state of insanity, still, you can’t see me. I weep, I beg, and wear on a pathetic sorry mask of despair, and yet, you can’t see me. As I am falling apart into pieces of what I was, as I plead for your attention, you look right through me like I’m not even there. Am I there? Are you there? As I slowly slip into my psychosis and lose all control over my very being, I transcend into euphoria. And as I float out of my flesh and bones, I no longer see you. In fact, you never existed. I close my eyes and sleep on clouds, for years I continue to do so. I lose all touch of what is real and I leap into all that’s not. In a world where you don’t exist, in a dream where you can’t enter even if you tried, I’m there, sleeping on clouds, so high I can’t see where I came from. For years and years I slept, away from you, away from what I could remember as your warm hands on my face and your sweet words whispered in my ear. For years, all I felt were the clouds and all I could hear was the silence of the skies. I was not full. I was not complete. But I was free.